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Saturday, 26 February 2011

Queen's Honours

Today's rant is inspired by the third most objectionable thing I read in yesterday's Daily Mail.

The first most objectionable thing I read in yesterday's Daily Mail came from whatever it is that charmless cunt Richard Littlejohn has where regular people have their brains, and was on the subject of the 2011 Census form being available in 57 languages. The online form is only available in English and Welsh, which shouldn't piss off Mr Bigottypants at the Mail, but should someone want to fill in the long and complicated form, which you get fined if you don't complete, in their own language they can order it in 57 different languages. These languages include Tagalog, which Littlejohn hilariously tells us is the language of Bill and Ben the Flowerpot Men. It isn't though. It's the Philippines. Unless Richard Littlejohn is secretly involved in some kind of bet to appear to be a bigger waste of skin than Piers Morgan, for the lols, this just makes me want to punch him in the dick. What annoys me isn't so much the casual racism of the joke itself. I think there are people who could have made that joke work. But Littlejohn isn't them. You can imagine him feeling all smug about it. "Stupid Filipinos with their stupid language, coming over here, being in our Census. Tagalog. Sounds a bit like flobadob. I'll use that. They'll piss themselves." Worthless, worthless cunt. Also, somewhat out of synch with the times - I'm not even sure how I know what Bill and Ben the Flowerpot Men sound like, it's not like that little pop culture reference really touches anyone under 50...

The second most objectionable thing I read in yesterday's Daily Mail was something professional trouty old cow Jan Moir wrote, but I can't remember for the life of me what it was. It says on her column "Jan Moir - are you thinking what she's thinking?". No. I am quite literally never thinking what Jan Moir is thinking. I reckon she'd like us all to be thinking what she's thinking. Not in a "Jan Moir - voice of the people" kind of way, but more in a Doctor Who villain mind control kind of way. Yes, yes - I shall harness the power of the mobile phone network and control their thoughts so that everyone will agree with me that Jennifer Aniston's new hairstyle makes her look like a desperate bint! There will be a new dawn! A new dawn of bitterness! The nasty old harpies shall inherit the Earth!

The third most objectionable thing I read in yesterday's Daily Mail, and the point of this article, was an actual story that happened as opposed to the opinions of one of their frankly mental columnists, so it wasn't the Daily Mail's fault, probably, but it was in there. Catherine Zeta Jones was receiving the OBE from the Queen. Catherine bloody Zeta bloody Jones. Now I've got nothing against Catherine Zeta Jones - who knows, we might be related - I don't wish the woman any specific harm, but what the fuck business does she have getting the bleeding OBE? The only things I've ever seen her in was that show with Del Boy in it that was on when I was a kid where they lived in the countryside and it looked horrible, a movie I saw on a plane where she was getting divorced from George Clooney a lot of times which made me wish you could bring knives on the plane so I could jab them into my eyes and ears, and another movie I saw on a plane where she was Julia Roberts' sister and she was mean, which made me wish you could bring guns on the plane so I could blow the heads off of anyone who fucking laughed at the jokes in it before taking my own life. Oh and Entrapment, which was just fucking stupid. Plainly, she isn't getting the OBE for her illustrious acting career then. Is it perhaps for services to increasing the population? I have no idea how many babies she has had but every time I see a picture of her she seems to be all puffy and pregnant and gross. But there was a woman in the Daily Mail with 17 kids and she hasn't got the OBE - just 600 quid a week in benefits, which if you think about it you'd actually probably rather have than the OBE - so that can't be it. Maybe it's services to the Welsh economy. Apparently she buys cannisters of Welsh air to breathe in America where she lives. She has to be the biggest, if not only, importer of Welsh air. Is that worth an OBE? I don't know. What are they even for?

So who else has got honours off the Queen? Obviously you only get a knighthood if you do something really quite impressive like win three Olympic gold medals or a World Cup, or pretend to be a wizard in a Peter Jackson movie, but there's all those other, lesser ones, the OBE, the MBE, the CBE, that some quite random people seem to have had bestowed on them.

Duncan Bannatyne off of Dragon's Den. He's got one. And he's my second least favourite one after that prat Peter Jones (hope I'm related to him too though, he's minted). Floella Benjamin, that kids presenter from the 80's with the creepy dancing doll. She's got one. So have the Beverley Sisters, whoever they may be. Barbara Cartland, who writes filth for old people and looks like a male pug in drag. She's got one - and not just a poxy OBE, she's a full on Dame (obvious jokes about pantomime dames and how she is one or looks like one or whatever withheld due to obviousness). Paul O'Grady, who for most of his career actually was a drag queen but now appears on ITV at about 4pm or as I like to call it "stupid fat unemployed people prime time". He's got one. Fred Dibnah, a very old northern man who talks about steam engines and the industrial revolution and other such northern old man stuff, probably while wearing an actual flat cap and feeding some bitter to a whippet like he's been employed by a museum to stand around looking all Yorkshire. He's got one. Olly Murs, who came second in the X Factor in 2009. Obviously he hasn't got one, but it's only a matter of fucking time at this rate.

For a normal person to get a recognition like this they have to do something really good for charity or the community, basically devote their entire life to it. But if you've been on bloody Last of the bastarding Summer Wine, the worst TV show of all time ever, then you can have a knighthood. It doesn't even seem to matter if you're truly awful. Sebastian Coe only got the MBE for his athletic achievements, but since morphing into a really despicable politician, basically the Tory Peter Mandleson, he's got a god damn knighthood.

Which brings me on to the whole concept of knights of the British Empire. No wonder we don't have one any more if our knights, who should be defending it, are all Elton John and Tim Berners-Lee. Good at making seventies music and wearing funny wigs and inventing internets, probably absolutely crap at jousting. Why are they called fucking knights? Why not call them, I don't know, "dudes" or something? Dude of the British Empire.

Whatever, I do absolutely bollock all for charity and I've never been on TV, so I won't be getting one.

Incidentally, the fourth most objectionable thing I read in yesterday's Daily Mail was that Kate Middleton showed she had the same rapport with common people that Diana had when she met with some common people - eerie it was. So, Diana and Kate are both able to hold conversations - wow, talk about natural successor! Ugh, I need to lie down.


  1. You READ the Daily Mail???!!!

  2. Yes, as I said yesterday, I read all the newspapers except for the Guardian, because fuck those guys. I get a lot of my best ideas from the Mail. It really gets the blood boiling.