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Monday, 7 March 2011

Exclusive Interviews with Charlie Sheen

I am bored of hearing about Colin Firth. He may have won an Oscar, but he has no chin and was in those unforgivable Bridget Jones movies, so he can fuck off.

I am bored of hearing about whether Kate Middleton will be getting her wedding dress from Burtons. Unless she is having her dress designed by that scary Scouse lady off of Big Fat Gypsy Weddings, it will be boring and tasteful and it can fuck off.

I am bored of International Women's Day, although it did cheer me up that amid all the worthy, depressing crap I have seen about it in the papers, Sky have decided to celebrate it by showing a Simpsons marathon where all the episodes are about Marge, and a movie starring, and I'm not kidding, they actually said this on my actual TV earlier - "the queen of Hollywood herself - Sandra Bullock!"...

Any ennui experienced as a result of seeing any new articles about any of these subjects has, however, been massively eclipsed by the soul clutching tedium I have come to feel whenever I see an exclusive interview with Charlie Sheen. Seriously, it's all just so very laborious at this point.

The latest news is that Charlie Sheen has officially been fired from Two and a Half Men, the popular US sitcom in which people used to say he basically played himself. Obviously it has come to light since that if he had been playing himself it would have been far, far funnier, but would probably have been so fucked up it would only be allowed to be shown on pay per view in Dutch hotels. Or in Japan.

The whole story swung from slightly distressing, as watching someone have a quite obvious and very public nervous breakdown is bound to be, (you know, until you remember that he is extremely, and for no real reason, rich and it becomes very hard to rouse any sense of sympathy), to just plain hilarious. Unfortunately, the jokes there were to be made about the words "winning", "tiger blood", "F18", "ordnance" and of course the Mount Everest of all drugs - "Charlie Sheen", whilst they were many, were exhausted pretty quickly, and despite the many, many interviews he has given he just keeps feeding us the same fucking material.

Seriously, he has done so many interviews that here at Pony and Trap HQ the idea of trying to get one with him tonight for this pokey little blog was actually considered, in a kind of Challenge Anneka kind of way, but rejected because meh, you know, effort.

So, he's been properly sacked, and rumours suggest that one of the two porn stars he was shacked up with, Bree Olsen, has fucked off as well. This is a woman who was first brought to my attention because of her quite remarkable Twitter posts, in which she says that she fantasises about being a pregnant forty year old truck stop hooker, and laments the fact she never gets raped and stuff like that. When someone that gross and fucked up leaves you, even though you're minted beyond the dreams of avarice, you know you've made it onto the Greatest Train Wrecks of All Time leaderboard, and that, I suppose, could be defined as "winning", especially if you are also trying to win at having all of the STDs in the world at once. Jesus, even Kerry fucking Katona probably wouldn't touch you now, mate.

With the job and the interestingly disturbed porn star out of the picture, surely there isn't that much left to say and we can take a break from hearing about the whole freak show for a little while, but maybe, to be on the safe side, we need another star to royally fuck themselves up in front of us so we can seamlessly divert our attention.

Isn't Amy Winehouse meant to have a new album out sometime soon?

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