THEY'RE NOT REALLY A COUPLE.
Cheryl and Ashley share something very special, for sure - the same PR company. These masters of the dark art of manipulating the media to further the careers of total fucking arseholes are geniuses. Honestly I can't say a bad word about them. They also always, always have access to cocaine and so are great to have at parties.
The whole grand enterprise was dreamed up to conceal two facts, which I will present to you here:
Fact 1 - Cheryl is a bit racist
There are two bits of evidence to support this. First of all, she is from The North. It is de rigeur in The North to be a bit racist. I spoke to a guy from The North who had been on holiday to Goa (that's in India, I should mention that because it's kind of important to the irony of this story and, yeah, you probably knew it was in India but I am trying to "break America" so I have to cater for people who don't know about the world). I asked him what it was like, and his first response was just surreal. He said it was "a bit like Ashton-under-Lyne but with less bins". I didn't really understand that so I pressed on, and he said "it would have been alright if it weren't for all the Pakis". Obviously he didn't actually use the word "the', he was from The North, it was more a kind of implied "the", but I don't know how to represent that in text form.
Now obviously there were very few, if any, Pakistanis there in Goa. With India and Pakistan you just can't get them mixed up. That's the kind of faux pas that makes the shit kick off. It's not like if you mistake a Canadian for a septic or a Kiwi for an Australian where, when they point out your mistake you can just go "well, it's all the fucking same, isn't it" and they don't mind... So yeah, evidence 1 - she's from The North.
The second piece of evidence that Cheryl is a bit racist is actually, now I think about it, probably the more salient one. I'm not a fucking lawyer, I don't think this shit through. Evidence 2 - she got done for racially aggravated assault.
The incident occurred in the brilliantly named The Drink nightclub in Guildford. Which is half an hour away from London so no, I have no idea what the fuck Girls Aloud were doing there either, I just wish they'd gone to early noughties Guildford's other hot nightspot, Bojangles. Bojangles was really shit, you'd stick to the floor and they only served Hooch, and someone was always giving someone else a blowjob on the dancefloor, that was kind of an in joke for, well, people who've been to Bojangles in Guildford... The newly formed Girls Aloud were out on the razz, and somehow (I forget the details and can't be arsed to look it up - but if you want to you can, this is all in the public domain) the then Cheryl Tweedy (who if you remember, back then, wasn't even regarded as the fit one, more the gobby one) decided to beat up the black woman selling the lollipops and squirts of perfume and single cigarettes in the toilets. One fact I do remember, is that she called her a "jigaboo". Which, however you look at it, is a bit racist. No, I'm not sure what it means, but it sounds racist, doesn't it? Why has everyone forgotten about this? Well, everyone except Kevin Bishop, he did a sketch about it, and it was hilarious.
So, obviously it doesn't look very good to be all racist and shit. Not if you want to be fucking everywhere, all of the fucking time, and "break America" (it's The Objective) like our Cheryl. If only there were some way to prove once and for all she wasn't a bit racist at all...
Which brings us neatly to Ashley and Fact 2.
Fact 2 - Ashley is really, seriously, tremendously gay
Again, I have two reasons to believe this is the case. First of all, there were all those stories about him being at gay orgies and inserting mobile phones into his anus. That's what Ashley does with phones. He doesn't text pictures of his cock to women at all, because his phone is up his arse, with Sol Campbell ringing it so it vibrates and... God that's so grim I can't write any more about it. What kind of phone do you reckon it was? Not a bloody iPhone, surely? All flat and oblong, up your arse? Nasty. Nasty, nasty Ashley Cole.
The second reason is, I am a Chelsea supporter. I sit in the Lower West Stand when I go to Stamford Bridge, fairly near the pitch, close enough to see the whites of their eyes, and to see just how camp Ashley looks taking a throw in. Honestly, it is the most limp wristed, mincey little piece of action you will ever see on the pitch. Whether he actually shrieks "I'm free!" to John Terry when he's, well, free, I am not sure, but it'd be great if he does, right?
Now, I'm not saying it is in any way wrong for a Premiership footballer to be gay, but there hasn't been an out gay man in the prem yet. I know that Welsh rugby player came out but nobody gave a fuck because rugby is about as homoerotic as sport gets so it came as no real surprise. I know Christiano Ronaldo looks like a lesbian, but he's not, so that doesn't count. Football will become accepting of these things eventually, like how now we just accept that a lot of players are foreign, and like how Liverpool supporters have accepted a woman as their best striker. But a pussy like Ashley was never going to be the first, was he? That would take bravery. So, if only there was a way to make it look like Ashley liked skirt...
Of course, the strategy of just marrying the pair of them off wasn't quite enough. That would have done the job of effecting the dual cover up, but would not have kept Cheryl fucking everywhere, all of the fucking time. So Cheryl must continue to be seen doing non racist things (flirting with any black contestants on the X Factor, collaborating with black musicians, particularly if they are American, because The Objective is to "break America". It won't work because 3 Words was an awful, awful song, and nobody over there can understand a word she fucking says, but still, it is very important to try and "break America"), and Ashley must be seen to be a bit of a bastard who cheats on Cheryl with lots of slags, so we can feel sorry for her and love her even more for being so brave and standing by him whilst also thinking, hey, that Ashley, he's a right fucking lad, him.
Cheryl was groomed for all this by Victoria Beckham. They were hanging out at the last World Cup, you know, because they are the elite of footballers wives, having been famous in their own right rather than marrying some footballer and releasing a fragrance you can only buy in Asda. Christ, how retarded is it that a group exists where the elite is Victoria fucking Beckham and Cheryl fucking Cole? Anyhow, Victoria is really, really good at teaching people how to make the best of themselves. She's awesome at it. Because when she isn't off wearing dresses, she has a part time job being Gok Wan. Seriously, have you ever seen them in the same room? Noooo, and you never will, they are the same person. I'm all about revelations today.
I have no real issue with the whole fake marriage thing, it is a means to an end and good luck to them both. Yes, I wish Cheryl wasn't fucking everywhere all of the fucking time, yes, I wish Ashley wasn't such a fucking wanker, but what really pisses me off is the fact that people lap this shit up even though the evidence is all there that it is weapons grade bollocks. She's from the north. He does fey throw ins. Wake up, you daft bastards.
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I posted this article on Zimbio as well and some people have written comments saying that Cheryl is a lesbian and that the whole thing is actually a double beard?
ReplyDeleteDo I care? Why no! Of course I don't. I just want them both to go away.