Check Out My New Site!

Check out the sister site to It's All A Bit Pony and Trap, where Melanie C. Jones reviews stuff, and tells you if it is shit or not (hint: it quite often is) at Is It Pony?

Saturday, 20 March 2010

Twitter for Dogs and Foetuses

As if preggos and dog people weren't already annoying, now they can irritate you on Twitter too.

Now, the sensible thing to do when a friend gets up the duff is obviously to cut them out of your life completely. They're just not going to be any fun any more. For nine months, they won't be smoking or drinking, for a start. They might come out, but you don't want them to because having someone who isn't drinking and will therefore remember everything you say there makes you paranoid. Also they will talk about The Pregnancy, and that is at best boring, and at worst fucking disgusting.

It doesn't get any better once they pop out the sprog, either. You will, first of all, have to hear how much it weighs, even though you don't care. Why is it so important to know the weight of a baby that has been born? What is even a good weight for a baby? Studies show that a high birth weight usually correlates to a high IQ but there must be limits, I mean, if it comes out at like, 14 and a half stone that isn't a good thing, surely, no matter how fun it is to tell everyone how many stitches you had?

You will then have to pretend you don't think the name they have given the poor bastard is stupid. Oh, called her Heaven, have you? That's good. She won't have to come up with a stripper name when she's older now because she already has one. Well thought out, you've saved her some time there.

Then there's all the gross stuff. They might try and breast feed in front of you. This is one of those horrible facts of nature that takes place, I'm afraid. Yes, I know it's not what they're for, but some women happily flop them out and attach children to them, even though you don't actually have to because you can buy stuff in shops to feed them apparently. I don't even really know how it works, nipples don't have obvious holes in them, so where does it even come out? God nature disgusts me. They will also talk about The Childbirth. This is weird, because before The Pregnancy this woman wouldn't actually admit to ever having done a fart, and yet now, here she is describing in terrifying detail all the gruesome stuff that has now, she says, left her vagina looking like some kind of axe wound. Nice.

Like I said, the most sensible thing to do is cut them out and avoid all of this. But if you don't, if you decide to face it out, or you have to because the preggo is your wife or your sister or your mother (double gross - mum tits!), then just pray that she doesn't coerce you into following the kicks on Twitter.

The "Kickbee" is the abomination that makes this shit possible. The details of how it works are pretty nerdy, but to summarise, the future subject of yo' momma jokes and MILF porn dons a hi-tech vest which has sensors that pick up movement and transmit a signal to a computer (it'll be a Mac, only the kind of people who use Macs would want to do this). This then uses some software to verify if the movement was a kick as opposed to, I don't know, an alien waiting to bust out of her chest, and if so, to fucking put it on the Twitter. Christ, people should at least wait to learn how to form words or at least be fucking born before they start yabbering tedious shit on the fucking Twitter. People think this is cute, do they? Yeah, well they're assholes.

More annoying than this is the product from Mattel (they make Barbie, fact fans) called Puppy Tweets. This is a device freaks can attach to the collars of their dogs, that senses canine activity and posts one of a bank of 500 pre-written updates to Twitter. Posts your dog can invoke by barking, licking his balls, humping people's legs etc. include "I bark because I miss you. There, I said it. Now hurry home." (that's a real one), "I finally caught that tail I've been chasing, and ... OOUUUCHH!" (that's a real one) and "Please stop making me lick peanut butter off of your genitalia." (that one I made up). If you weren't already planning to kick your dog when you get home from work, odds are after a day of reading the crap he's posting you will be.

I wonder what the next crap innovations for hurling pointless shit into the Twitter void will be. I have a few ideas, feel free to steal them only on the grounds that you take them on Dragon's Den, the look on that cock Peter Jones's face will amuse me.

1) A device you attach to your penis, that tweets when you get an inappropriate erection. Could also link to TwitPics and post a picture of the thing that got you hard.
2) A device that can be attached to people who sell the Big Issue, which uses GPS technology to tweet their whereabouts, so people can avoid them. Nobody wants the Big Issue, it has poetry in it by homeless people. Nobody wants that.
3) A device that can be attached to your arse, sending an electric shock up it every time you annoy the world with your inane, banal fucking tweets.

Twitter for dogs and foetuses. Not big, not clever, and definitely, definitely pony.



  1. It's an annoyance how everyone has to say the baby is beautiful even though they all look the same, which is normally like some sort of purple grub! Also they say they look so much like their mum/dad, oh right they look like a 16 year old council estate chav then do they?

  2. Is the Big Issue your version of "Real Change"? RC is the newspaper that homeless people sell all over town, thinking it's somehow less annoying than just pestering passersby for money.

  3. Anon (yeah, I know who you are, boy ;) I agree.

    Robert, yes, it is the UK equivalent of Real Change. I have heard all about the Junction Safeway bums and I'm sorry to say we have it no better!

  4. I really thought you were joking about the Kickbee - I was even prepared to accept that it was some kind of weird early April Fool's joke, that you were setting up the long con so you could reveal it and laugh at our gullibility.

    Then I googled it.

    My faith in humanity just took another hit.

  5. Tim, do you honestly think I have the imagination to make up something that stupid? Because I don't. If I did I'd be a millionaire.