Terrible Music - Part 1

Why Part 1? Because there's a lot of terrible music out there. And by next week, there will be even more. All we can really hope to do is tackle it in little chunks of awfulness, a bit at a time.

In a bid to go a bit multimedia, I have created a playlist on Spotify, so, if you have Spotify and are feeling masochistic, you can listen to the crap discussed in this article at Pony and Tracks - I was going to call it "Now That's What I Call Pony vol 1", but instead opted for "Pony and Tracks". That's right. It is a terrible, terrible pun.

If you don't have Spotify, just print off this list and give it to the "DJ" next time you're at a wedding. He will have all of these songs, guaranteed, and will be more than happy to play them for you, although he will babble incomprehensibly far too close in to the microphone at random intervals, like the guy from Phoenix Nights who goes "Shabba!". Everybody will thank you, because at least none of these songs actually have their own special dance...

This first list only goes as far back as the mid nineties. As I said - little chunks of awfulness, a bit at a time.

Track 1: Girlfriend - Billie Piper

What is really fucked up, and what a lot of people forget, is that when 15 year old Billie Piper brought out the truly awful track "Because We Want To" in the mid nineties, which somehow got to number 1, a then unknown from the States was about to release a single called "Baby One More Time", and she was billed in the paper as "America's Answer to Billie"... Now you have to admit, that is fucked up.

Billie's records were all, without exception, dreadful, and with the horsey teeth and denim, and the weird black eyebrows (she still has those), she was no match for Britney as slutty jailbait either, which explains why she went a bit fucked up long before Spears did.

OK, so she didn't lose the plot quite as spectacularly as Britney, but she did marry freckly ginger Chris Evans, spend all her time in the pub, and get a bit fat. I suppose actually that's not really that bad or that interesting. Not in the age of Winehouse. But still, the songs really were turds.

The one I have selected is "Girlfriend". This is about Billie trying to chat up some boy by going "Do you have a girlfriend? You're looking real cool!"... Yeah, about as cool as my arse. You could make a mash-up, if you had mad mixing skills, of this with "Girlfriend" by Avril Lavigne, and make a song basically so bad it could probably be used to train attack dogs.

If you look at the Spotify playlist you will see that the album this comes from is called "The Very Best of Billie Piper". Not just "The Best", but "The Very Best", as if there were a load of other Billie Piper songs that were really good but not quite "The Very Best", this is la creme de la creme, the first pressed extra virgin, special reserve of Billie Piper's music. Bollocks.

Track 2: Chasing Cars - Snow Patrol

Hey everybody! It's Self-Harm Sally's favourite song!

This turgid, miserable thing was on the damn radio all the time. At Christmas, as well. There would be like, Wizzard, then that horrible cover of Santa Baby by Kylie that makes you feel dirty and wrong, then this.

It sounds all depressing and that, but if you actually listen to the words it's utter nonsense. Like, to the same degree as David Bowie when he used to make up lyrics by getting random words out of newspapers. "Let's waste time chasing cars around our heads" (yes, it does take about thirty seconds for the whiney gimp that sings it to get that sentence out, but that is what he says). Chasing cars you say? Like dogs? Only in our heads? What the fuck are you talking about you cunt? Can't we waste time by, I don't know, going on the XBox or Googling ourselves instead? Christ even Farmville sounds more fun than what you're proposing there.

"If I just lay here, would you lie with me and just forget the world?". No. I would kick you to fucking death you lazy shit for brains twat. Now get up, this is fucking Primark (honestly, in the video where he's just lying in places. What a fucking knob).

Track 3: Dance The Night Away - The Mavericks

In putting together this list, I listened to most of the tracks, you know, to remind myself how bad they are and to help me think of things to write about them. This one I couldn't make it past the intro. If this song comes on I get that same horrible sense of panic one gets when one's head is stuck in something. Like all that matters in that moment is making it fucking stop. Neutralising the situation. I once shoplifted from Asda because it came on and I ran out of there, still clutching a bottle of Diet Coke. THERE WASN'T TIME TO PUT IT BACK.

OK so it was only a bottle of Diet Coke from Asda, but it could have been anything of any value and I maintain no judge in the land would have sent me down for that if my defence played him this song.

What is quite so bad about it I can't quite put my finger on, I mean, sure, it's really annoying, but so are lots of things, and for some reason I would rather have three hours of the Crazy Frog, the Macarena or even "Teletubbies say 'Eh-Oh'" than three minutes of this. Honestly, it makes me want to bite people.

Track 4: 3 Words - Cheryl Cole and Will.i.am

If you've read this blog before, you are probably aware of the fact that I would really like it if Cheryl Cole wasn't fucking everywhere, all of the fucking time, but that isn't actually the reason this song made it onto the list.

Her first solo single, "Fight for this Love", I don't really have any beef with. It was catchy pop for the kind of people who like that sort of thing, and if you didn't like that sort of thing you could just make jokes about the fact she's a geordie singing about fighting (guess what I did?). Also she wears this fucking stupid sequin tiger skin hoodie at some point in the video and I reckon some wardrobe guy is still sitting pretty on the money he won betting a mate he could make her wear that.

This song, 3 Words, is just weird though. Weird and boring. And a bit creepy. Weird, boring and creepy - not good features to have in a song.

I don't think we need to go into the quite obvious and cynical reasons for collaborating with Will.i.am (who I am going to call William in any future mentions because Will.i.am is a fucking stupid name), who is the guy from the Black Eyed Peas, or one of the Guys from the Black Eyed Peas, I don't know how many of them there are that aren't the woman one.

Would you like to "break America", Cheryl? Oh, yes please pet, I'd reet like that, pet. Seriously? We'd never have fucking guessed...

I think we can expect a lot more collaborations between Cheryl Cole and American artists, who I think we can safely assume will all be black (she carries a little card around with her now reminding her not to call, say, Kanye West, a jigaboo), but don't worry, American readers (ha! Fuck you Cheryl, they like me!), if the standard is as poor as this monotonous offering she won't be troubling you any time soon.

Track 5: Virtual Insanity - Jamiroquai

I know what you're thinking. How do you pick just one song by that madcap cunty hat wearing retard Jamiroquai, given that they all sound the exact fucking same? All in his special brand of withered twatfunk?

Well, I went for this one because this is one of his more preachy ones. Preachy about some sort of sci-fi shit that isn't even actually happening.

"Now every mother can chose the colour of their child, well that's not nature's way"... Well, I can only assume with the rest of the song being about "twisting of their new technology" he means that in some sort of genetically modified babies sort of way, as opposed to just having a pop at inter-racial couples, though I could be wrong. Maybe he is actually just a big old racist. He did go out with Denise van Outen (why, Denise, why?) and she is pretty Aryan master race looking. Hmmmmmm, could we do a collaboration with Cheryl Cole, maybe? It'd be a grand thing, it could be called "I ain't Gonna Bump no More (with no Jigaboo)". Nick Griffin could use it as his theme song for the election like Blair did with "Things can only get Better" by D-Ream. Maybe that should have been on the list, thinking about it, it was diabolical. Anyway, I digress.

Jamirocunt does get a bit carried away with the old sci-fi at the best of times. Singing about cosmic girls from another galaxy, and having to live underground because of roaming herds of Godzillas. It's his third biggest interest after sulking about not having been the fastest celebrity on Top Gear for about ten years and twatty hats. But in this song it's like he's warning us. Take a fucking peek at yourself, people on Earth. All this crazy shit you're doing. It's bad. Jamirocunt has seen the future, and it's bad. Godzillas, man, I'm telling you.

Lay off the drugs, son, and maybe they'll let you have your license back.

Track 6: Heartbeat - Scouting for Girls

There were a few bands like this a couple of years ago. This shower of bastards, The Hoosiers, The Ordinary Boys. Irritating sub indie twatpop. Scouting for Girls annoyed me most because their songs were somehow a bit more gay. It was a toss up, and I mean it, between this piece of dreadful catspunk and "She's so Lovely". That was always on TV, whenever there was a woman who had just had a makeover by Gok or somesuch, or just whenever there was a woman (if there was more than one woman it would be "Here Come the Girls").

This one came out a bit later, when you thought "She's so Lovely" had gone away, and it was, if I'm not very much mistaken, the very self same song! It's about a lovely girl! It has an annoying a-rinky-dinky-dink sort of sound! A shit video of some scruffy art school looking prick playing a piano! It's the same song! It was back!

And it has the same name as that really crap TV show that was on ITV on Sunday nights. It might even still be on, I don't know.

Track 7: Life for Rent - Dido

Are you a boring, slightly frumpy single woman in your thirties, who thinks Bridget Jones's Diary, which was a made up story, is about you? You'll be wanting to listen to Dido then.

Oh, my stars. How dreary is her voice. It's like she's had a stroke and can't annunciate the consonants in the words. If she has, then I'm sorry, fair play to the woman for selling all those records with stroke face, but really, it is not a nice sound, all those words just blurring together like melted cheese. She looks about as dreary as she sounds too. Like some woman that might live alone in the flat upstairs from you who always has a big cardigan on and who you imagine wears pyjamas with animals on in bed might look when she's going to the corner shop. Only she's not going to the corner shop, she's performing at fucking Live 8. Make an effort you bland, bland lump of plainness!

And the song itself. Fucking miserable. She's bored, she's depressed. Her life is going nowhere. She'd like to go travelling but she can't be arsed. Blah blah blah blah blah. This would be boring if your best friend was saying it to you after too much wine, it's even worse coming from someone who you know is actually, for reasons you can't fathom, a multi million selling multi millionaire. Is there also some sort of subliminal new Labour theme here about how if you don't get on the property ladder you "deserve nothing more than you get"? Fuck you Dido. Fuck you trying to get me into negative equity with your dismal song.

Track 8 - Haven't Met You Yet - Michael Buble

Michael Buble was originally know for doing hacky covers of old swing songs, and for being someone your aunt might fancy. He has a pretty good voice, nobody is disputing that, but no one much in the UK gave a shit about this because Robbie Williams had done all those songs years ago, and then so had bloody Westlife.

In 2009, when the X Factor went two nights a week (just so Cheryl Cole could be fucking everywhere, all of the fucking time a bit more, I'd wager), it became compulsory, for reasons I could never quite figure out, to have some act on on the Sunday night show that either hadn't been heard of in years (Whitney Houston, Mariah Carey, Bon fucking Jovi), or that nobody gave a rat's tiny arsehole about (Buble). The contestants would make out that the act was their biggest hero and influence, even though they were 16 and had had to ask Dannii Minogue (the shit Minogue sister - honestly, would you bank on that woman to make you a star?) what a Bon Jovi was backstage.

Buble's appearance on the show was to plug the release of this single. Not, as the world was accustomed to, an old song we already knew, just with Buble singing it as close as he could to the original, but a new song, a new song just for Michael Buble to sing, all of his very own. Seemed like a good plan.

Trouble is, it is fucking rubbish, isn't it?

It's a love song, but with a twist! He doesn't know the girl yet! He's desperate for a bird! He's gone a bit match.com with the whole thing! He's got so much to give, but he hasn't met her yet! That is a stupid idea for a song, for a start. Then, there's the plinky plonk pianos. Did the guy from Scouting for Girls fucking write this for him? It was always going to do alright, because as I said, he does have a decent voice, but if you are going to take someone who is a big star in certain circles for singing covers and try and branch him into doing new material then is this cheap, lightweight crap the best song they could find for him? And that video with the shopping trolley and shit? Crap. Total crap.

Track 9: Wild Horses - Susan Boyle

This song was also debuted on one of those Sunday night X Factor shows, to pad out the bit that only needed to take five minutes where they tell you who has been booted back into obscurity that week to a full hour long programme. But was I the only person thinking, "fuck me, Susan Boyle singing the Rolling Stones? Was that not in the book of Revelations as one of the harbingers of the apocalypse?"?

A lot of the appreciation for this, and I may be being a little harsh here, mess of a woman's voice really came from the shock value. It was some sort of mad cat lady from Scotland with a face like melted Lego that had been rolled on a dog blanket to pick up fur. It claimed, and nobody for a second disbelieved the claim, that it had "never been kissed". You were just waiting for her to do some crazy, scary thing on the Britain's Got Talent stage, maybe some sort of nightmarish magic trick that would make Piers "the cunt" Morgan's head turn 360 degrees, or just some very bad puppet theatre. But no, she sang, and the sound wasn't actually hellish. It made Amanda Holden cry, but then she did that when those fat Greek people did some comedy Irish dancing as well - woman needs to get some fucking help if you ask me.

Su-Bo, as she became affectionately known, didn't win the show, and there were some reports that she had gone a bit mental from the fame (but nobody told us whether she had got laid yet, which I felt was most unfair on the public), so it seemed like that was the end of the crazy ride on the Boyle train for Britain as a whole. But then this, the X Factor appearance, and the Rolling Stones song.

The trouble with it was, apart from the fact it is a very fucked up and bizarre choice of song for someone who had only ever done some old thing out of Les Miserables on TV before, that it got played on the radio and sold as a CD and download. It got played in situations where you couldn't see how ugly she was when you were hearing it. And if you listen to it without that whole, wow, it looks like a manatee thing, her voice is pretty mediocre. This is possibly the only case ever of someone's ugliness launching a music career that they would not otherwise have had...

So, that was volume 1 of the most terrible music ever made. Please feel free to make suggestions of tracks you hate. Volume 2 will be released soon.