Blaming Michelle Obama

You may be wondering why I'm not writing about the Oscars, what with that being all topical and whatnot. I did consider it. The whole grand enterprise is about as pony a thing as there is to be seen in the whole of human endeavour after all. But in order to write about that I would have to have watched it, or at least read about it and know who had won, what preposterous crap they had spouted in their acceptance speeches, and possibly even seen whatever dismal, worthy movie they had been in. Life is too short, and besides, a nadir was reached in terms of pony nights at the Oscars that year Halle Berry spazzed right out and sobbed like the complete fucking knob that she is and Gwyneth Paltrow wore that brown ruffly dress that made her tits look deformed. Speaking of Gwyneth Paltrow - apparently she is going to be on that god awful crock Glee, singing Cee Lo Green's "Fuck You". Those people I wrote about yesterday who look for signs that the end of the world is coming should probably have a butcher's at that - it's the kind of thing I imagine there would be at the end of days: Gwyneth Paltrow singing "Fuck You" on bastarding Glee...

So, anyway, no Oscars, but we are looking to the States for the subject of today's rant. It has been brought to my attention, and I'm sorry to tell you this, I really am, that First Lady Michelle Obama - deep breath, dramatic pause - kills people.

Unsurprisingly, I read this in the Daily Mail.

Michelle Obama, although she doesn't hold any official power, is, in reality, a popular role model who is very much in the public eye. Showing a quite huge amount of ambition, Michelle Obama decided to use this influence to try and tackle the problem of childhood obesity in the States, where like us, they have a shitload of fat kids, but unlike us they have those kids who are so fat you can't see their eyes because even their eyelids are full of lard.

The First Lady set out to do this with a campaign called "Let's Move", which centres around promoting exercise and healthy eating. Kind of like that crappy Fit 4 Life or whatever it was called programme the Labour party did that seemed to centre around ordering a pamphlet, only with someone likeable at the head of it and without the sinister Orwellian undertones or the highly misguided "let's put a 4 in there to be 'down with the kids'" thing going on. So not much like that at all really, I guess.

Having had a look at the website, http://www.letsmove.gov/ there isn't much there that would offend anybody. There's advice for parents, kids, schools, local government etc. about ways of encouraging healthier living, and it comes over a lot less patronising than a lot of similar schemes have done in the past. It definitely doesn't look like it will kill you. Quite the opposite in fact. It definitely, definitely makes it look like Michelle Obama doesn't want people to die, she wants them to live long, healthy lives, brimming with vitaminy goodness and buzzing their tits off on exercise induced endorphins.

It will kill you though.

It has already killed seven people. Seven people who would otherwise be alive (though probably morbidly obese), by way of Michelle Obama's tyrannical actions, are now dead. Or so some people believe, anyway.

Basically, the statistics for the number of pedestrians killed in road accidents have come out, and there are seven more dead pedestrians this year than in the same period last year. This can only be due to more people walking to places, because Michelle Obama told them to.

Of course, some might say that this is quite a negligible margin of change in the stats, especially in a country the size of the United States. Some might say that a change of seven people would struggle to be newsworthy in Andorra, let alone in the USA. They might also say that maybe those people were drunk, or texting, or actually trying to get run over so they could sue someone. They might say that maybe these people had never even looked at any of Michelle Obama's information about healthy living and nutrition. Maybe they always walked. Maybe they weren't even fat children.

And those people would be fucking right. It seems kind of obvious when you think about it for, I don't know, half a second, that Michelle Obama's well intended scheme is not responsible for any deaths. People should blame the real bad guy here - that sinister puppet master Olly Murs, runner up in the 2009 season of the X Factor.

As well as blaming Michelle Obama for the huge increase in the amount of human roadkill getting its eyes pecked out by birds at the side of all those big ass roads they have in America, some people are also accusing her of astonishing levels of hypocrisy.

Why? Well, it turns out that the other night she ate some ribs. I'm not even joking. The nerve of the woman, eating ribs. How very dare she. Although I'm guessing they were pork ribs, which does at least shut up those crazies who keep saying the Obamas are secretly Muslims.

So what's offensive about a person dining on some ribs? She's an educated lady, I bet she can eat them without looking like a dog tearing up a carcass (something I have never mastered, so I am condemned to only ever eating ribs alone), so where's the beef? Well, some people with too much time on their hands are saying that someone who promotes healthy eating and salads and whatnot shouldn't eat the decidedly unhealthy delicacy that is the intercostal muscles of the pig. Because that makes them a big old hypocrite - saying one thing and then, god dammit, going and doing something else.

The thing is though, it's quite easy to demonstrate how she isn't a hypocrite at all, using the flawless logic of this statement: Michelle Obama isn't fat. Michelle Obama isn't fat, Michelle Obama's husband isn't fat, and Michelle Obama's kids aren't fat. She clearly doesn't need to eat more healthily and do more exercise, that advice was her advice for fat people. Whatever she is doing, which is obviously eating a balanced diet that includes ribs, is fine for her. If she looked like the bird out of Precious and was telling fat people to eat healthily whilst shovelling fried chicken into her mouth and ordering yet another Dominoes for her tubby kids, then yeah, fine, parade her bloated body through the streets tarred and feathered and then stone her for all I care. But that's not the fucking case, is it?

On the whole I think people should leave Michelle Obama alone, but if you absolutely must start on her, have a go at her about making Barrack Obama give up smoking. It was cool when he smoked. I still let her off for that though. Whatever she does, she's still a billion times more interesting than Samantha Cameron and whoever the hell Cleggyweg is married to.